I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
