You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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