Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He felt like a one man threesome
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
