Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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