how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
