I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
