Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
