Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
