when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
is that a dick in a sweater?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left