the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.