Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek