I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She made me pour olive oil on her.