her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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