i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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