he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
