so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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