I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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