The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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