Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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