bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
only you would photoshop your dick
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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