My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize