Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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