not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
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He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
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How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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