I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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