I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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