He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can't turn off my feet"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
