Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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