Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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