Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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