dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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