Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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