I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
