He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
