Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
