This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
