dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
