They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
