a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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