His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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