I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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