Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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