Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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