Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
