Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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