Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
the day after is always just damage control
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
