Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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