Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
