god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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