just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
