What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
