I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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