Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
