i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
