i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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