This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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