When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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