I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
birth control should be required to get into college
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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