I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
