I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
